First, Forgive

First, Forgive

I've made mistakes.  I've done things which probably should be done.  I've ranted, I've raved, I've pushed too hard, or too little.  I've grown, I've fallen back, I've stopped, and started.

I can't be human without making mistakes, and I can't be me without my hangups and challenges.  Or can I be more than the sum of my broken parts? Can I be the one who can take where I am right now and grow from there?  Is there a way I can change who I am, my past and my future?

This is where I have my hangup, I understand in words at least that my past is my past and my future is not yet determined, but I am unable to remain in the present.  Because I am creative, or because I can't stay in the present moment, I have a choice.  In this stage of my life I've learned that my choices have always been there, but the element I was missing was forgiveness.

For myself, from myself.

Forgiveness is a powerful weapon.  You can tell someone you're sorry and go from there, but you can also do much more harm than good.  I always "forgave" people when they would attack me, disrespect my views, or outright dismiss me.  I would always forgive them no matter what.  That's what I was taught to do.  Unfortunately, this doesn't work.  Forgiveness does not work this way.

I was still the one being humble, the one expected to be the bigger person and say "I'm sorry" or apologize or whatever the term of the day might be. Whatever it was, I never felt whole or even happy after saying sorry or asking for forgiveness.  Perhaps because I never felt that the other person changed.  The anger became an excuse not to plan, and it became the reason to hurt.

Frist, forgive.

I would say it better, first forgive myself. If I need to walk away from a relationship which does not help either person.  If I need to stop what I am doing for a while, even though in everyone else's view I am a success.  If I need to rebuild a broken friendship, or a broken relationship of any sort because of (a valid reason) something I know I did.  I must first forgive myself.

My responsibility is to forgive myself. It is not to forgive others. Then move on to my present, where my life is now.

Part of what destroyed me, was the fact I was still angry, still in a mentally bad place where I was the one who would hurt myself because that is how unresolved anger works.  That is how unresolved sadness works.  The pain from it should have been my lesson.  Rather it became my scars.

I am learning step by step to forgive myself.  For myself and not because I need to, but rather because I want to.  Because the alternative is to focus on the past and that is not a way to grow as a person.  It won't help my healing, and it would be the ultimate irresponsibility on my part.